Nov. 10th, 2011

prosodic: (Fairy)
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Last night, actually. I was lying in bed, awake, reflecting on this year. This has been one of the worst years of my life, if not the worst. And we're two weeks from Thanksgiving, which has always been a huge deal in my family. So I started thinking about family and what we lost this year when Grandma passed away. We didn't just lose her, but we lost her house (where I made some of the most significant memories of my life), our traditions, the very backbone of our family. The loss is immeasurable, and it seems to resonate more at particular times of the year. I'm missing her more and more as we get closer to the holiday season, knowing I can't just call her on a whim, yet aching so much to talk to her, to hear her voice.

It was around this time last year - maybe closer to the end of November - that Mom started telling me of her suspicions that something was wrong with Grandma. In December of last year, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. But then, of course, it was in January when the brain tumor was discovered and we realized that it wasn't Alzheimer's after all. You know it's a horrible situation when cancer is the lesser of two evils, even if it's terminal cancer. It was close to this time last year that my life changed...when I realized that she was slipping away. It was February when we lost her. Nine months ago. There was only a three month time period (or maybe not even quite that long) between the time we knew something was wrong and the time she was gone - not enough time to accept and process. And now it's been nine months since she's been gone, and in some ways, I still haven't processed it.

So yes, I cried last night as I reflected on all of this. How different things were a year ago! This time last year, my days of blissful ignorance about her condition were coming to a close, and life would never be the same after I knew.


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