Just Press Play
Oct. 10th, 2008 07:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prosodicI distinctly remember a lunch I had with Ruth and Christine in January 2007. I told them that I feel like my life is a cassette player, perpetually stuck on pause. And once we moved back to the States, it would be like someone pressing Play on my life again. Because so many things were on hold. Buying a house...going back to school...having a job...those were the things that I felt defined what my life should be.
How wrong I was. How very very wrong.
In hindsight, living in Germany was being on Play. I loved my life then. I was living a dream...a longtime dream to live in Europe. My life was interesting. Sure, some things were routine and mundane, but I had opportunities there that I could never have here. I had wonderful friends. I was creative and thriving. I had beauty all around me and I couldn't soak up enough of it.
Right now, I feel like the cassette is stuck, and the tape is getting ready to unravel.
And I have two of the three things I thought I needed to really live. I have the house. I have the job. I thought these would fulfill me and sustain me, but they don't.
The house is a constant challenge, and I feel like we're sinking money into something that won't give us a return on our investment.
The job is never what I envisioned for myself. I guess I was naïve and expected that I would actually be doing something related to my experience and background...something creative and intellectually stimulating. Something that stirred my passions.
I find now that my life is so mundane. So ordinary. This is never what I wanted for myself. I never wanted to be status quo. Everything within me fights against that.
And I don't know what to do to change things.
How wrong I was. How very very wrong.
In hindsight, living in Germany was being on Play. I loved my life then. I was living a dream...a longtime dream to live in Europe. My life was interesting. Sure, some things were routine and mundane, but I had opportunities there that I could never have here. I had wonderful friends. I was creative and thriving. I had beauty all around me and I couldn't soak up enough of it.
Right now, I feel like the cassette is stuck, and the tape is getting ready to unravel.
And I have two of the three things I thought I needed to really live. I have the house. I have the job. I thought these would fulfill me and sustain me, but they don't.
The house is a constant challenge, and I feel like we're sinking money into something that won't give us a return on our investment.
The job is never what I envisioned for myself. I guess I was naïve and expected that I would actually be doing something related to my experience and background...something creative and intellectually stimulating. Something that stirred my passions.
I find now that my life is so mundane. So ordinary. This is never what I wanted for myself. I never wanted to be status quo. Everything within me fights against that.
And I don't know what to do to change things.
