Just Press Play

[prosodic]

I distinctly remember a lunch I had with Ruth and Christine in January 2007. I told them that I feel like my life is a cassette player, perpetually stuck on pause. And once we moved back to the States, it would be like someone pressing Play on my life again. Because so many things were on hold. Buying a house...going back to school...having a job...those were the things that I felt defined what my life should be.

How wrong I was. How very very wrong.

In hindsight, living in Germany was being on Play. I loved my life then. I was living a dream...a longtime dream to live in Europe. My life was interesting. Sure, some things were routine and mundane, but I had opportunities there that I could never have here. I had wonderful friends. I was creative and thriving. I had beauty all around me and I couldn't soak up enough of it.

Right now, I feel like the cassette is stuck, and the tape is getting ready to unravel.

And I have two of the three things I thought I needed to really live. I have the house. I have the job. I thought these would fulfill me and sustain me, but they don't.

The house is a constant challenge, and I feel like we're sinking money into something that won't give us a return on our investment.

The job is never what I envisioned for myself. I guess I was naïve and expected that I would actually be doing something related to my experience and background...something creative and intellectually stimulating. Something that stirred my passions.

I find now that my life is so mundane. So ordinary. This is never what I wanted for myself. I never wanted to be status quo. Everything within me fights against that.

And I don't know what to do to change things.

Comments

[dimwit68.livejournal.com]

The house is your home and every cent spent on it is a cent closer to making it the perfect place to live. That sort of return on investment can't be measured in dollar terms.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

But we have to also consider that we actually want to make some money off this house when we sell it. We don't want to end up in debt up to our eyeballs for all these fixes we're making, and then not be able to pay those off (and possibly pocket some extra) when we sell.

Any homeowner has to always keep that in mind, IMHO. We're not living here forever. If this was our forever home, I would be less concerned about it. But a house just went on the market around the corner, almost identical to ours, and $30,000 less than what we paid. It's scary.

[godchick.livejournal.com]

It is scary. Hopefully, things will turn around for America soon. I do hope you get that library job. A job you really like makes a difference.

[dimwit68.livejournal.com]

If it's worrying you too much, you could put off making the fixes until later. Instead of getting further into debt you could find out what the repayments would be and save the equivalent, or you could consider paying more towards the mortgage (if that's allowed). It's nice if you can get a year or so ahead with mortgage repayments; you don't have to worry so much about the unexpected.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

The windows, for example...absolutely could not wait. Those were a necessity.

But honestly...the military could pull the rug out from under us at any time. We have to be ready to put this house on the market at a moment's notice, and it probably won't sell unless we make the updates to it that we need to make. That's why we're trying to get all this done. We have some projects that take priority over others, but the house is in desperate need of updating.

[wisheschick.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm sorry to hear you're so bummed today. I hope things start looking up soon, say for example with that library job!