Blindsided

[prosodic]

Now that I'm breathing normally and calmed down, I need to make sense of things.

Grandma England is dying. She is dying.

She just got out of the nursing home a few weeks ago. She was recuperating at her niece's house in Fort Wayne...learning to walk again (maybe). She was happy. She was getting healthy again.

A brain aneurysm took her down this morning. Just like that. She's on life support, but she's being taken off as soon as everyone can get to the hospital. She had a living will. She wanted it this way.

She's going. And I feel helpless. And the first thing I did after sobbing into Lance's shirt was call my other Grandma to tell her that I love her. I made her cry. I didn't mean to do that.

I'm just glad that I saw Grandma E. this summer on my visit home. She was so happy when I came to the nursing home. She didn't know I was coming. And she bragged to all the nurses about her granddaughter who came all the way from Germany to see her.

I love you, Grandma. Peaceful rest.

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[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Grandma E. has so many grandchildren (my dad's side of the family is huge), that it never gave me a good opportunity to get close to her. But we had some moments.

She had this very fragile doll - the first doll she ever received, she said - and she got it as an adult. Once the grandkids started hanging out at the house constantly, she gave it to me and told me that I was the only grandchild whom she could trust not to break it. She said that the doll meant a lot to her since it was the only one she ever had, and it meant a lot to me that she trusted me to care for it.

I still have it...it's in storage at my Mom's house. I just wish I could be there to put it in her casket. I just can't go home right now.