Blindsided

[prosodic]

Now that I'm breathing normally and calmed down, I need to make sense of things.

Grandma England is dying. She is dying.

She just got out of the nursing home a few weeks ago. She was recuperating at her niece's house in Fort Wayne...learning to walk again (maybe). She was happy. She was getting healthy again.

A brain aneurysm took her down this morning. Just like that. She's on life support, but she's being taken off as soon as everyone can get to the hospital. She had a living will. She wanted it this way.

She's going. And I feel helpless. And the first thing I did after sobbing into Lance's shirt was call my other Grandma to tell her that I love her. I made her cry. I didn't mean to do that.

I'm just glad that I saw Grandma E. this summer on my visit home. She was so happy when I came to the nursing home. She didn't know I was coming. And she bragged to all the nurses about her granddaughter who came all the way from Germany to see her.

I love you, Grandma. Peaceful rest.

Comments

[hetterrific.livejournal.com]

My sympathies, Karyn. I know how tough it is to lose a grandparent and not be able to say good-bye.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Lance understands too, so I'm glad of that. He lost two grandparents just since we've been stationed here.

Thanks, Heather.

[queendisko.livejournal.com]

My condolences. I was crushed when my grandmother passed away - we were very close.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Grandma E. has so many grandchildren (my dad's side of the family is huge), that it never gave me a good opportunity to get close to her. But we had some moments.

She had this very fragile doll - the first doll she ever received, she said - and she got it as an adult. Once the grandkids started hanging out at the house constantly, she gave it to me and told me that I was the only grandchild whom she could trust not to break it. She said that the doll meant a lot to her since it was the only one she ever had, and it meant a lot to me that she trusted me to care for it.

I still have it...it's in storage at my Mom's house. I just wish I could be there to put it in her casket. I just can't go home right now.

[wendywoowho.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry.

And, yet, go, Gramma England, for taking the time to have a living will, for communicating to all who needed to know what she wants in this time.

And, damn, you look fabulous in that picture. I can see why -- you have your gramma's nose and smile.

I am so sorry this is happening.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, sweetie. *HUGS*

I'm proud of her for doing this for herself. I'm not sure when she did it. She had a brain aneurysm 2.5 years ago while she was driving and ended up in an accident. That could've been what prompted her decision.

I just have the comfort of knowing that her last weeks were happy. That she spent them in a beautiful place where she got to play with horses and go out on a boat in the lake. That is so much better than her spending her last days in a nursing home, since she was so miserable there.

[mipplet.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I, too, am so glad you got to see her one more time.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Mip.

[godchick.livejournal.com]

My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* Thanks hon.

[byron.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry sweetie. That's a tough thing to go through. I've walked that road with both of my grandfathers and it is not a easy thing.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

I went down this road with my Grandpa 8 years ago. I know. I found out via email that he was on his deathbed, just as I found out via email about Grandma. I was in England when he died. I finally got through to my family 10 minutes after he passed away.

This time, I don't know how to get a hold of anyone. They're all either in Indiana or enroute to Indiana right now. But I suppose someone will get word to me when it's finally over.

*sigh*

[byron.livejournal.com]

What makes it worse is that you are on the other side of the known universe for all intents and purposes.

I held my grandfather's hand the last forty-five minutes of his life. Had a hand on my other grandfather when he went. Its awful to be there. Being out of country is a mixed blessing.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

I always thought Grandma E. was a tough old bird. She's been a widow for 30 + years, and seemed to manage just fine on her own. She was an avid bowler (until she broke her hip in June). She had a wicked sense of humor.

Seeing her in the bed at the nursing home just stabbed me through my heart. She looked so fragile. I can't even imagine what the scene is like right now at the hospital. I don't want to imagine.

[lijepanena.livejournal.com]

=( *Hugs* I'm here for you if you need an ear.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Just send your thoughts her way. She's in the hospital there in Fort Wayne...which one, I don't know. (Assuming they have more than one hospital there.)

I know she's past any medical intervention at this point, but I want her to go quickly, painlessly, and peacefully.

[dreamchaser.livejournal.com]

*hugs* My condolences to you.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[cateyes25.livejournal.com]

Awww, HUGS! I am so sorry , Karyn. It's hard enough to deal with these things but being there I know makes it that much harder. I wish you and your family peace and you're in my thoughts.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Cat. *HUG*

[onelargecat.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[emtqueen85.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[heartsinarmor.livejournal.com]

I'm all teary eyed for you... It's so terribly sad to lose someone who means so much to you. Especially when you can't be there to hold her hand. I lost two grandparents when I was in Houston and I know it's not nearly the same as living overseas, but I get a very small idea of what it must be like... Grasping at straws and wanting nothing more than to be with the other people who feel like you do. I'm so sorry you have to feel this way. <>

And, yes, I know that now isn't the time to be vain, but I agree with Wendywoowho, you look FANTASTIC in that photo. You both look exceedingly happy to be in that moment.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

I remember the moments leading up to this picture being taken. I know Grandma was self-conscious about the nursing home and wheelchair. I asked her if she would mind me having Dad take a picture of us. I remember her saying something about her hair being a mess, and I told her she looked fine. She took the breathing tubes out of her nose at least. She was really concerned about how she would look in the picture.

But comparing this to the photos I have of her from my wedding day, she looks much better in this photo. My only regret is that I never sent her a copy. I promised to do that.

[thespis-mellie.livejournal.com]

I have no words of wisdom but I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Melissa.

[emmabovary.livejournal.com]

My thoughts are with you. What a wonderful photo of you two; you look so beautiful and she is happy with you there next to her.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Merci. I will cherish this photo always. It's the last one I ever had taken with her.

[mrs-picasso.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm still waiting. It's horrible.

[capitalista.livejournal.com]

My thoughts are with you and your family. Your photograph speaks volumes about how wonderful she is.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Thank you. She was wonderful. Over 1000 people are expected at her funeral.