Blindsided

[prosodic]

Now that I'm breathing normally and calmed down, I need to make sense of things.

Grandma England is dying. She is dying.

She just got out of the nursing home a few weeks ago. She was recuperating at her niece's house in Fort Wayne...learning to walk again (maybe). She was happy. She was getting healthy again.

A brain aneurysm took her down this morning. Just like that. She's on life support, but she's being taken off as soon as everyone can get to the hospital. She had a living will. She wanted it this way.

She's going. And I feel helpless. And the first thing I did after sobbing into Lance's shirt was call my other Grandma to tell her that I love her. I made her cry. I didn't mean to do that.

I'm just glad that I saw Grandma E. this summer on my visit home. She was so happy when I came to the nursing home. She didn't know I was coming. And she bragged to all the nurses about her granddaughter who came all the way from Germany to see her.

I love you, Grandma. Peaceful rest.

Comments

[heartsinarmor.livejournal.com]

I'm all teary eyed for you... It's so terribly sad to lose someone who means so much to you. Especially when you can't be there to hold her hand. I lost two grandparents when I was in Houston and I know it's not nearly the same as living overseas, but I get a very small idea of what it must be like... Grasping at straws and wanting nothing more than to be with the other people who feel like you do. I'm so sorry you have to feel this way. <>

And, yes, I know that now isn't the time to be vain, but I agree with Wendywoowho, you look FANTASTIC in that photo. You both look exceedingly happy to be in that moment.

[prosodic.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

I remember the moments leading up to this picture being taken. I know Grandma was self-conscious about the nursing home and wheelchair. I asked her if she would mind me having Dad take a picture of us. I remember her saying something about her hair being a mess, and I told her she looked fine. She took the breathing tubes out of her nose at least. She was really concerned about how she would look in the picture.

But comparing this to the photos I have of her from my wedding day, she looks much better in this photo. My only regret is that I never sent her a copy. I promised to do that.